Friday, July 16, 2004

WWIII in 7 Easy Steps

Well it was boud to happen sooner of later. So let me provide some easy steps in case you happen to aquire the rule of a sovereign nation that has geopolitcal clout, big economy, and big military (prefereably a military that has won WWI & II):

  1. Alienate Former and current Allies.
  2. Make sure any medium of conflict resolution be made irrelevant. 
  3. Build troop numbers in every continent on the globe.
  4. Engage in open or clandestine operations to overthrow regimes you dont like.
  5. Build up unprecedented force near the 2nd most powerful country in the world, point all your guns the right way.
  6. Accidents happen....trigger fingers itch.
  7. Fight!

Well, hmmm. Lets go through the list shall we? 

  1. Alienate and Antagonize Former and current Allies. CHECK

Um lets see here: France, Britain (after Blair is gone), Germany, Spain & the EU, Jordan, India, Brazil & most of Latin America, Canada, Turkey, New Zealand...and the majority of the smaller countries we've bullied trade agreements from.

But on the bright side we do get El Salvador and Poland, Uzbekistan and Honduras, Australia and Romania, and of course Iraq and Afganistan (!!!). We'll be ok 

    2. Make sure any medium of conflict resolution be made irrelevant. CHECK

UN? Fuck them,  what the hell have they done the past 50 years? Not a goddamned thing I'll tell you that. ICC? More like IC-Lite, becuase this country isnt going to outsource its security to some court that only every single other nation on the globe has agreed to abide by and we have American judges on. (Israel is currently run by douchebags so even though theyve signed the statute theyre not going to listen...sigh)

    3. Build troop numbers in every continent on the globe. CHECK

Thats right we have a military base or troops on every inhabited continent on the globe plus a Navy that is continually patrolling "trouble regions." U-S-A, U-S-A!!

    4. Engage in open or clandestine operations to overthrow regimes you dont like. CHECK

Hmm, just off the top of my head: Iran, Argentina, Vietnam, Cuba, Venezuela, Iraq, Afganistan....... 

    5. Build up unprecedented force near the 2nd most powerful country in the world, point all your guns the right way. CHECK AND 1!!

Double Bonus Points if this country is also solidly and irreplacabley linked economically to over 58 other nations, including your own. But its OK, China, we're just excercisin', baby. You know we need our excercise, we're the fattest nation in the world!

   6. Accidents happen....trigger fingers itch.

I mean its really only streching. You know how hamstrings and 7 carrier strike groups dont strech and you might accidentally pull a trig...ahem...muscle.

Dont be at all concerned that 1 strike group consists of at a minimum, the aircraft carrier itself (usually with nine or 10 squadrons and a total of about 85 aircraft), a guided missile cruiser, two guided missile destroyers, an attack submarine and a combination ammunition, oiler and supply ship. And that we only have 12 of them total and 7 of them are in your backyard pointing all of our guns, planes and scowls at you...haven't you played Risk? Just becuase you point your cannons at Kirkukst doesnt mean you won't attack Japan...i mean goddamn! Chill out! Just becuase it looks like the peacetime equivalent of the Normandy landings doesn't mean you have to be a whiny bitch, damn

Why are you building up your forces? Obviously you're gearing up to attack TAWIAN! Well we wont hear of it! DEMOBILIZE IMMEADIATELY OR EL...cough cough oh youre strechting too, huh? ....WELL THATS JUST WHAT THE NAZIS SAID AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

   7. Fight!

Hey where did everybody go? Dont you see the [insert nationality, religion, color]ese hate us becusae of our freedoms? If youre not with us then your with the evil doers....


OMG LOL!!!!1111 We're so close! Why havent we started firebombing Beijing yet?!?! Hey winning 2/3 world wars aint bad!


Blogger Kevin said...

This may surprise you my newfound friend, but you make some legitimate points. I don't forsee WW3, of course, but still these are legitimate concerns. However, there are a lot more likely catastrophic events that could happen in geopolitical politics than a massive world war. Your very point about China and economic interconnectivity around the globe is a good arguement AGAINST the possibility of a world war. Neither side has anything to gain on this end since the defeat of either side would cripple the world economy for years, with possibly the most drastically affected nation being one victorious in war. China has the Olympics in 4 years, a tremendous economy, and a wealth of technological possibilities, including the greatest technology of them all in service around Shanghai, the MAGLEV train! China is starting a space program, and they will go to the moon in a few years. If you like Fukuyama's arguement about the "End of History," capitalism and liberal democracy has triumphed and the world will now form in that likeness, with the largest benefactor of such a system being China, whether they know it now or not.

July 16, 2004 at 6:16 PM  
Blogger Peter Parker said...

i agree that under "normal" circumstances with rational people the possiblity of a war between two huge nations such as ours and theirs isnt likely. However, what the hell are we doing there? Why are we forcing China to escalate militarily? The neocon(eheads) sending a message that the US can strike anywhere at will and that is a dangerous dangerous thing to demonstrate. All this 'military excercise' has succeded at is antagonizing a soon-to-be very powerful nation that this country depends (albeit not as much as say some nations) on.
I dont literally believe that WWIII is at hand, but hyperboles aside, this naval expidition is probably the most boneheaded military venture I have ever heard of. It serves no purpose and with the world already upset at this country for unilateral pre-emptive war that (although i thoght knew it was along) is now clear to a vast majority of people to be unecessary for anyone's security and has worsened the region in the short term with the long term stability uncertain (especially after Corporation USA get throuigh with ravaging IRaq of its natural assests).
I do believe that the current gov't of China won't last much longer but if we hope to be an example of a governmental option that works we cant go around pointing our nukes at people just becuase we feel like it.
Events like this make me wonder what neocons do on holiday? Do they just go arround the gold resort poking sticks in the eyes of and starting fights with people just so they dont get rusty?

July 16, 2004 at 8:33 PM  
Blogger Patrick said...

Peter, 2, for mentioning IC-Lite, a nice Pittsburgh shout-out, and for likening nuclear holocaust to a sudden hamstring cramp.
Kevin, 1, for mentioning MAGLEV trains, just about the coolest things I've ever seen.

July 16, 2004 at 10:07 PM  
Blogger Peter Parker said...


July 16, 2004 at 11:07 PM  

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